middleagefella's

Another for over 18 really……….

Why is orgasm a better word? cus its easier to spell than…

OHMYGODYESNOOHSHITYESDEEPERYESGODNOPLEASENOSHITYESOHFUCK

NOYESYESYESSHITOHGODFUCKINGHELLYES:- 

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The above is from the pen of……. Bob

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her
body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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The above is from the pen of……. Bob

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The above is from the pen of……. Bob

The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything.   

During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.   

"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"   

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling.Until we can find out exactly what is causing this  problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."   

"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.   

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job

"Oh my", said  the Queen," What's happening in there?"   

The Doctor replied," Same problem…………… but   

he's with BUPA."

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The above is from the pen of……. Bob

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me…
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished??

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.  She lets him in
and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  He
studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".

Gently he takes he hand and says, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's
have a cup of coffee, then ……. he sighs,

"Let's put all these CORN FLAKES back in the box."

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every tendays.The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING…….
==========================================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the
sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to
breathe.

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

hehehe this lable should be attatched to every female…..

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me."

On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it.

So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."

"What's it called?" Eve asked.

"Brains" God said.

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

The Womans Rules

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

19. Every house belongs to the oldest female living there.

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob