middleagefella's

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.

It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

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The above is from the pen of……. Bob

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you £800 to drop that towel that you have on"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

Trust me these are quite common, i used to get a lot of calles like this from people asking me for help. I'm not sure i could do that job for a living….

Read laugh and enjoy……

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

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Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

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Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer:: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer: "No…"

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Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"

Tech Support:: ?!%#$

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Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

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Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"

Customer:: "A white one."

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Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."

Customer:: "How do you spell that?"

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Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"

Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

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Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"

Customer: "Pentium."

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Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

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Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

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Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?

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Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."

Tech Support: "What does it say?"

Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."

Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

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Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."

Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

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Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"

Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"

Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

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Tech: A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his Computer is faulty. Tech: What's the problem? User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and
it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is
an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let
me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
        started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

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Customer Care Officer:I need a product identification no: right now and may I   help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure

CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?

Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

Energizer Bunny Death Notice

AP August 22, 1996 – The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going…" passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming…

Foul play has not been ruled out.

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

Another for over 18 really……….

Why is orgasm a better word? cus its easier to spell than…

OHMYGODYESNOOHSHITYESDEEPERYESGODNOPLEASENOSHITYESOHFUCK

NOYESYESYESSHITOHGODFUCKINGHELLYES:- 

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her
body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything.   

During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.   

"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"   

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling.Until we can find out exactly what is causing this  problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."   

"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.   

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job

"Oh my", said  the Queen," What's happening in there?"   

The Doctor replied," Same problem…………… but   

he's with BUPA."

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me…
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished??

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.  She lets him in
and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  He
studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".

Gently he takes he hand and says, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's
have a cup of coffee, then ……. he sighs,

"Let's put all these CORN FLAKES back in the box."

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob