middleagefella's

There are a few companies that supply DVD's through the post.. I have tried a few but this company is good Cinema Paradiso

They start their rental at just £5.99 a month.. up to the normal £14.99 for the 3 DVD's at a time and unlimited monthly rentals. They have a free trial the first 4 DVD's are free.

And here is the best part ….

I have a few VIP Passes to pass around. Ok whats a VIP Pass.. well it gets you 6 free DVD's yes the first 6 DVD's are free and if you like the service just carry on and sign up.. What have you got to loose?

If anyone is interested just send me your email address and i will send the VIP Pass to you, the enail you recieve will contain the special link to the VIP section and the 6 DVD rentals.

You can use the contact me page (link under pages on the top right menu) or pop your email address in the text me sms box in the left menu near the botton.

Dont worry your email address will only be used to send the VIP Pass and not passed onto any others. People that know me will know its safe to do this. 

 

 

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

As most of you know im a beta tester for Microsoft and we sometimes get a thank you gift.

Today i had package arrive via UPS.. and it was sent from Microsoft.. on opening it i found a laptop bag and a very good one at that.

The card attatched said this

Official Windows Live Messenger Computer Bag

THANK YOU!

Thanks for all your help in beta testing Windows Live Messenger. You helped us carry the load of releasing a successful product and we'd like to give you a Messenger Bag as a token of our appreciation. We hope you are as proud of Windows Live Messenger as we are.

Spread the good word!

Microsoft.

Now i just need a Laptop to put in it….. 

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

Haircuts — The Difference Between Men and Women when they have a haircut.. is it vanity…..

 

Women's version:

—————————
Woman2:  Oh!   You got a haircut!  That's so cute!

Woman1:  Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she was gave me the
mirror.  I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2:  Oh God no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut like
that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck with this
stuff I think.

Woman1:  Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think.  I
was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.

Woman2:  Oh – that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!  Anything
to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1:  Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms –
see how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier.

Men's version:
———————-

Man2:    Haircut?
Man1:    Yeah.

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Women (and what they actually mean…) but i think we men always knew this…..

   10. I think of you as a brother.
         (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in
          "Deliverance")

   9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
         (You are one Jurassic geezer.)

   8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way
         (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon)

   7. My life is too complicate right now.
         (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may
         hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing)

   6. I've got a boyfriend
         (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben & Jerry's)

   5. I don't date men where I work
         (Hey bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same
          solar system, much less the same building)

   4. It's not you, it's me
         (It's not me, it's you)

   3. I'm concentrating on my career
         (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better
          than dating you.)

   2. I'm celibate.
         (I've sworn off *only* the men like you.)

  …..and the #1 rejection line given by women
       (and what it actually means)

   1. Let's be friends.
         (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating
          detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with; it's
          that 'male perspective' thing)

 —————————————————————–
 IN RESPONSE  ~~~~~~   The male perspective on the same issue
 —————————————————————–

      Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Men
        (and what they actually mean..)

   10. I think of you as a sister
         (You're ugly)

   9.  There's a slight difference in our ages
         (You're ugly)

   8.  I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way
         (You're ugly)

   7.  My life is too complicated right now.
         (You're ugly)

   6.  I've got a girlfriend
         (You're ugly)

   5.  I don't date women where I work
         (You're ugly)

   4.  It's not you, it's me
         (You're ugly)

   3.  I'm concentrating on my career
         (You're ugly)

   2.  I'm celibate
         (You're ugly)

  …..and the #1 rejection line given by men
       (and what it actually means)

   1.  Let's be Friends
         (You're SINFULLY ugly!)

and some more …..

        THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:

 10.   Could our relationship be more physical?  I'm tired of just being
       friends.
  9.   Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that
       way.
  8.   I think hairy butts are really sexy.
  7.   Hey, get a whiff of that one.
  6.   Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit
       are just too cute.
  5.   This diamond is way too big.
  4.   I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
  3.   Wow, it really is 14 inches!
  2.   Does this make my butt look too small?
  1.   I'm wrong, you must be right again.

         THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY

 10.     I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
  9.     While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
  8.     I think hairy butts are really sexy.
  7.     Her tits are just too big.
  6.     Sometimes I just want to be held.
  5.     That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
  4.     Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
  3.     We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping
         and I can hold your purse.
  2.     Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
  1.     I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

Four Management Lessons.

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

---

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

---

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The Hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. Promptly, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.

---

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped a load of hot, steaming dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of shit, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung. The cat promptly dug the bird out, killed him and ate him.

Management Lesson: Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. Not everyone who pulls you out of shit is your friend. And when you're warm and happy in your pile of shit, keep your mouth shut!

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

An American tourist goes on a trip to China.
While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom.

A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.

Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD."

"What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to amputate!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor."You no worry!

Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

 

Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was being breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination that seemed to be quite enjoyed by the woman.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "

I know," she said,

"I'm his Grandma."

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the chicken ever cross the road? Here are the responses of some well known people…

 

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:

To get to the other side.

---

PLATO:

For the greater good.

---

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

---

KARL MARX:

It was a historical inevitability.

---

TIMOTHY LEARY:

Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

---

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

---

JACK NICHOLSON:

'cause it f___ing wanted to. That's the f___ing reason.

---

RONALD REAGAN:

I forget.

---

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

---

HIPPOCRATES:

Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

---

ANDERSEN CONSULTANT:

Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergise with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focussed, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

---

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:

The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

---

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

---

MOSES:

And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

---

FOX MULDER:

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

---

RICHARD M. NIXON:

The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

---

MACHIAVELLI:

The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

---

JERRY SEINFELD:

Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

---

FREUD:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

---

BILL GATES:

I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

---

BILL CLINTON:

I'm going to say something important. And I'll say it again to make sure you understand. I did not have sexual relations with that chicken. I did not.

---

OLIVER STONE:

The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

---

DARWIN:

Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

---

EINSTEIN:

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

---

BUDDHA:

Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

---

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:

The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.

---

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die. In the rain.

---

COLONEL SANDERS:

I missed one?

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agentin Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

 

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passengerpushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.

"The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, theagent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teethand swore. "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too.

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob

A naked me in the shower… please do not be offended by this photo………. please be over 18 or do not look at this.

 

……………………………………………
The above is from the pen of……. Bob